Most of the time, I spend a lot of effort holding my brain together. I’ve devised lots of techniques for keeping all my thoughts moving in the same direction. But, I thought it would be fun to turn that off during my commute home the other day. So I emptied my mind of everything, took a few cleansing breaths and started walking, just letting my mind go where it wanted and writing everything down, as much as I could.
I’ve heard people say that having inattentive ADHD is like watching TV with someone else, who’s button happy, controlling the remote. This is what I experience:
I take a deep breath, admire the weather, which is really nice, and not too hot. Fortunately I don’t have to think about my destination because I’m pretty much on autopilot. I don’t have to think about being a wife, mom, web manager – nothing. I am just a traveler. Deep breath in, deep breath out, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse. All I have is my trusty pad of paper and a pencil. I write whatever comes to mind as it comes.
Ok, I’m off. A man picks up an Uno card off the ground, why? It must be filthy. Car. I hear a part of a conversation, and another. Conversations pass like moving cars. A open door. How much can I see in without being creepy? Not much. An open window? I like when people are not at home. People walk so slow. Oh, they’re going into the restaurant. I only have 20 minutes left. Warch the light. A runner. I am glad I went running this morning. I can actually feel myself be more positive and less cranky. I love antique white and blue dishes. The dishes remind me of Vermeer. I wish I could afford them. I like antiques. Red light, turn. What an asshole driver, almost hit those people. Why the hurry? I’m getting hot. I wish I could stop and go in the stores. The lights are timed at 20 mph. There’s a sign. A group of people standing by a stoop and talking. I love spontaneous conversation on the stoop. I love living in the city where people do that. I think my shoes are more comfortable than the clogs. Why do people push their strollers into the street without looking. These pillows are quite lovely. I bet that salon is expensive. I really need to figure out what to do with my hair. I’m not looking forward to pantyhose. Eeewww, Frank would say Smelladelphia right now. Storm kicked up something. Turn down the street, one more block to go. Almost to the Pumpkin. I smell BBQ. I’ve arrived!
I can’t figure out if living in a city where stimulation washes over me constantly is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s relaxing to just let my mind go and do what it wants. I rarely get restless because I can sit still and still have my brain working away, processing, like busy work. Accomplishment without the stress of it being important. I definitely don’t feel as comfortable when everything is peaceful. Then, it’s almost like my mind panics because it can’t find enough to process.
Of course, it’s not like this all the time. Sometimes something sticks and I’ll dwell on it obsessively. I’ve had walks home where I only think about one thing. But they seem to take a lot longer…