One of the most trying things for a person with ADHD, considering everything is trying in one way or another, is that despite the best intentions, lots of planning, and employment of all the tricks and tools, we seem to make the same mistakes again and again. We are the proverbial child who put their hand in the fire one more time, defying logic and common sense, either because we forgot, perhaps only minutes later, or because impulse or temptation won over the memories of the pain, physical or otherwise.
During my life, my personal soundtrack has always been rather minor. Literally. My first songs were written in minor keys, perhaps because from an early age, I accepted that life was not fair and that despair and discomfort are essential to really feeling happy and alive. After all, you can’t understand what true, fulfilling happiness is unless you’ve gone as far in the opposite direction.
Every now and then, a work of music will express what I can’t say in words. As much as I love to write, words, among those I know, aren’t enough. But sound has an unequaled way of conveying feeling, at least to kindred spirits, which is fine by me because I don’t want to communicate like that with everyone anyway.
All of this brings me to History (Repeats Itself) (video – History (Repeats Itself) A.O.S.), a song accredited to a band/musician/project called A.O.S.. The song was created as the theme for the movie Natural Born Killers, and features Fay Lovsky, or is Lovsky; the information is sketchy at best. There were several songs written especially for the movie, none that affected me so. The music is beautiful enough but the lyrics are so immensely poignant, so… just so. They are:
History repeats itself
coiling down to the future.
When it’s one second to twelve
the hands touch and furrow deeper.
History repeats itself.
I didn’t learn. I wouldn’t listen.
I couldn’t see the books were on the shelf
for my concern I never missed ’em.
Wish I was standing by the shore,
feel the wind blow in my face.
See the waves roll in for an encore
they take a bow, they know their place.
I do not want. I do not feel.
I’ve turned inward on my self.
I can’t find anything that’s real,
but history repeats itself.
By now, I am almost sure that no one is ever going to make a movie about my life: that of a relatively happy, ADHD project manager / weekend history geek. I just never had the courage or focus to do something cinema-worthy. These days, I am just happy if I can keep the wheels turning at a nice steady pace, one day at a time. I remind myself that this is OK, because es muss sein.
It follows that there will never be a need for a soundtrack. Had this been my theme song, it might have never been written. Thankfully there was the other movie, violent and chaotic. Perhaps on some level, I do feel like there is a fair amount of violent chaos repressed inside, under the surface, and this song is a reflective pause, as it is in the movie. I can’t explain, only feel, as strongly today as I did twenty some-odd years ago.
In lieu of a movie, this song became the soundtrack to the construction of my first 18th Century dress. I remember thinking, I’ve finally found the pattern for this dress; I’m in my place, present, working, listening, completely being. It’s a short song that has the uncanny ability to end perfectly in sync with the beginning so I put it on repeat for two weeks straight, much to the irritation of my family. Listening to it now brings me back, along with so many things since then.